Once upon a time, life on Earth was happy. All creatures were sea life, and all were united in the great womb of the world’s water.
Oh sure, big critters still ate little critters, but that was to be expected. And really, when they devoured each other, it didn’t matter too much — they were still a part of each other. Life was connected. Life was interactive. Life was good.
But then The Big Mistake happened.
Some scaly muddahfukkah washed up on land and decided to raise a family there. And it’s been downhill ever since.
Let’s face it: sea life has it all going on. The amazing mobility: venture wherever you want, whenever you want — just let the currents take you there. The streamlined lifestyle: just do your own thing! It’s so delightfully uncomplicated. Eat and poop without ever having to look for a fork or a toilet — the ocean is both your banquet hall and your bathroom!
Modern life-on-land tries vainly to recreate all the wonderful conveniences of ocean life. Millions of people get on the Internet, trying to do business and socialize across vain distances via electrical cords and cables. Pathetic!
Internet interaction is just a shadow-play, creating the illusion of actual interaction. Of course, us land-dwellers still use it because it’s the best we can expect — sad, dry-skinned, stick-fingered creatures that we are! Fish and their clammy colleagues have no need for electronic hocus-pocus when they want to network. They just mingle with a school of their buddies, slip into a current, and zoom here, there, everywhere.
Land-dwellers are always seeking comfort. But actually, how comfortable can we be, always walking around, jolting our knees and spine with every herky-jerky step? Our dry skin is always chafing against the rough fabric of our clothes – we are all cursed to the same friction-filled abrasive Hell.
Sea creatures, on the other hand, are always comfortable. They’re floating in water, like happy fetuses in a joyfully buoyant mommy-zone. If the water’s a little too hot or a little too cold, they just rise or sink to a level with the right temperature. What could be simpler?
By now, I’m sure I have you convinced: ocean living totally rocks, while the dry life is the existential equivalent of cheap European toilet-paper — in a word: harsh.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon definitely had the right idea, livin’ the dream in his wet ‘n’ wild world. As always, old horror movies show us the way to ultimate bliss!
So what can we do to get back in the swim? The solution is simple…
Accelerate global warming!
Buy a bigger car and drive it as often as you can! Use up all the aerosol products in the house, and then go out and buy some more (even aerosol cheese)! Only buy products that are made by huge smoke-churning factories!
Come on, gang, let’s melt those polar ice-caps and jumpstart a really strong thaw. The objective is to cover all the ridiculous dry land with beautiful, nourishing, lovely sea-water. That’s Step One!
Step Two: Tell genetic scientists to get off their academic derrieres and make with the oceanic mutagens. We aren’t getting any younger — or wetter! By this time next year, I want to see gills and scales on every man, woman, child and selected housepets around the world.
Step Three: Obviously, smokers are going to have to break the habit. The world is going to be one big no-smoking zone.
Step Four: Fans of Mythos fiction will know what I’m talking about when I say it’s time to ditch the current crop of land-dweller gods and switch to deities with higher moisture levels. What’s that blowing up your cellphone? It’s the call of Cthulhu and you’d better not put Him on hold.
This season and every season, the Innsmouth look will be the one-and-only big fashion craze, and trendy Dagon worshippers will be sporting dorsal fins and come-hither googly fish-eyes. Some say that many hands make light work, but worshippers of the octopus god Kugappa will soon come to realize that a cluster of agile tentacles makes every task as easy as eel pie!
Step Five: Say goodbye! — to lawn-mowers and SUVs and bumper stickers and outrageous gas prices and insurance coverage and music videos and vacuum-cleaners and hair-conditioner and furniture and styrofoam cups and washing machines and DVDs and doilies and paperclips and TV dinners and phonebooks and furnace filters and of course, bicycles. You won’t need any of that sappy seahorse-shit ever again.
Then say hello! — to utter bliss as the waters rise above your scaly head.
Working together, we can implement my six-step plan and reverse The Big Mistake. And in the meantime … start eating more sushi. You’ll want to get used to it now, because that is what’s going to be on the menu for the rest of your life.