Need Some Career Advice? Strap Yourself In!

Today I‘m taking a break from talking about horror movies. Instead, I have some highly valuable career advice to share with the world in general and you in particular, my friend!

A friend is his late twenties was wondering if he’d made the right career choice. He’s a graphic designer, and while he enjoys his work, it ain’t exactly what you’d call a bucket of rock ‘n’ roll turbo-thrills. So he asked me, what might be a hot career move for him?

His question echoes the sentiments of millions of Americans nationwide. Folks everywhere are bored with their jobs. It used to be, Americans felt lucky to even be employed, and would stay in a mind-numbing, dead-end career for decades. They would push brooms and sling hash and twist little screws into the backs of VCRs, just to get that almighty paycheck. They’d then use that paycheck to buy nice clothes and cars, so they could attract potential sex partners. They’d use some of that money to buy drinks and get those potential sex partners drunk, in case nice clothes and cars weren’t enough to get the job done. After all, potential sex partners become 13.7 percent more attractive with every drink.

Obviously, the biggest reason for holding down any job is to get more sex.

That, of course, is why I write horror fiction. It’s a documented fact that horror writers are lucky No. 7 on the list of professionals who get the most sex. Let’s review the list (my thanks to JOHNSON: the Journal of Outstanding Horniness and Newsworthy Sluttishness in Occupations Nationwide, for allowing me to reprint the list, originally published in their ‘Who’s Gettin’ Some?’ Autumn 2011 issue):

1. Adult Film Industry Performers

2. Spiritual Guidance Industry Performers

3. Prostitutes

4. Sex-Product Testing Engineers

5. Rock Stars

6. Professional Sperm Donors

7. Horror Authors

8. Bartenders

9. Hospitality Industry Members (including Waiters, Waitresses, Hotel Maids, Airline Stewards and Stewardesses)

10. Automobile Salespersons

Clearly, these are today’s super-sexy jobs, so my friend the graphic designer had better think long and hard about a career change. If he’s looking for a bucket of thrills, those are the positions that will fill that bucket to the steaming brim.

No. 1, Adult Film Industry Performers, is certainly no surprise. I looked up the bio of a random porn star online, just to get a handle on how much action he’s getting. He’s has been in the business one year and has made 167 films so far. If you consider that on-average, during production, he has to churn up six money-shots while on-camera and, say, four during rehearsals, that would mean 10 per movie, adding up to 1,670 carnal acts in his first year alone. Lots of folks don’t do that well in a lifetime! And remember, that’s not even counting whatever action he’s getting in his personal life.

Most folks used to think that individuals in the No. 2 category, Spiritual Guidance Industry Performers, didn’t get any action at all. But recent headlines have proven otherwise. You can’t open a newspaper these days without reading about the escapades of some religious shepherd gettin’ busy with members of the flock. Former choirboys nationwide are singing a new song: a little number called the “He Touched Me in a Bad Place” Blues. And it doesn’t stop there. I read an interesting article about an evangelist who had spent years preaching against same-sex fun and drug use. The article concerned recent allegations that he was, in fact, heavily involved with – and paying top-dollar for – same-sex fun and drug use. If the allegations are true, why would he have preached against all that? I suppose he didn’t want other people playing with his expensive toys. More for him that way!

Most of careers from No. 3 through 6 are pretty self-explanatory. Prostitutes and Sex-Product Testing Engineers: yeah, they’ve got to make a living. Rock Stars: they’ve got a reputation to live up to. Professional Sperm Donors: Most people don’t even realize this occupation even exists, since there are so many amateurs in the field. But yes, there are some guys out there who are so smart, so handsome, and so well-built that their baby-batter is worth its weight in liquid gold. Unlike the folks in the other occupations, these guys usually end up pouring their payload into plastic cups. Still, nice work if you can get it.

As for No. 7: yes, it’s true … folks line up for blocks for some of that sweet, sweet Horror Author lovin’. But the less said about that, the better. My colleagues would get upset if I gave away too many trade secrets.

Bartenders: When you’re slinging the booze, you can pick and choose. To see the truth in that, one only has to watch any rerun of the old TV show “Cheers.” They marketed it as a sitcom, but I sometimes wonder if that wasn’t the first reality-TV show. Alcohol also plays a part in career line No. 9, Hospitality Industry Members. They’re often serving the frisky refreshments, and hey, we all need a little hospitality from time to time.

No. 10, Automobile Salespersons, may seem surprising to some, but I’ve always suspected it, based on anecdotal evidence. Plenty of test-drives end up at nearby hot-tub motels. And since most American cars don’t have much steel in them, many male salespersons have to use some pink steel to seal the deal.

So there you have it, sports fans: the heavy-hitters in the world’s oldest and most popular game. If you’re looking for a career change to spice up your humdrum workday, those are your top options (or bottom options, depending on whether you’re pitching or receiving). But remember, no matter what career and/or coworker you get into, always remember: Play safe, say “No!” to drugs, eat right, get plenty of sleep, and take your vitamins.

You’ll need all the energy you can get.