Spider-Man.

Spider-Man.

According to his old TV theme song, does whatever a spider can.

Catches crooks just like flies, is incredibly strong, spins webs but doesn’t shoot the filaments out of butt-glands, like spiders. What’s up with that? Since when have spiders ever shot their webbing out of their wrists? Do spiders even have wrists?

Spider-Man would do a better – and more authentic – job if he fired webbing out of butt-glands. Think about it. A sight like that would freeze any criminal in his or her tracks. “My God,” they would cry, “what is that man in that funny body stocking doing? Why is he pointing his butt at me like that?” While they were staring, he could easily subdue them with a few healthy squirts of butt-gland webbing. All in a day’s work!

Grasshopper-Man.

Grasshopper-Man.

Does whatever a grasshopper can.

Grasshopper-Man can jump incredible distances, and rub his legs together to create a hypnotic cheeping sound to send his enemies into a trance. On the downside, you can’t trust him near a garden. He’ll eat all your sweet corn and not give it a second thought. But then, that’s certainly a small price to pay for his awesome insect powers.

Grasshopper-Man also leaks brown spittle onto his enemies to demoralize them, and inconvenience them, too. Super-villains usually wear pretty fashionable costumes, and that brown crap only comes out with dry-cleaning, thus helping to deplete the budgets of evildoers.

Woman-Man.

Woman-Man.

Does whatever a woman can.

Woman-Man wears a bra and panties under his elegant silk superhero outfit. He also wears a lot of foundation, and large rings to make his hands look smaller. But Woman-Man can’t actually do everything a woman can – he can’t have a baby, which is probably just as well, since his plumbing couldn’t allow for its exit. You can’t squeeze a melon out of a spigot.

Woman-Man is actually a cross-dresser. But then, you’ve probably figured that out by now.

Garbage-Man.

Garbage-Man.

Regularly empties the garbage can.

Garbage-Man’s sworn oath is to clean up this town. He does so by driving from house to house in an enormous truck, hauling away people’s garbage. He also has a crime-fighting partner who helps to empty the cans into the back of the truck. His partner’s name is Brent.

Brent likes the beeping sound the garbage truck makes when it’s backing up. He even beeps along with the truck.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Garbage-Man worries about Brent.