The Further Adventures
Of Lizzie Borden
by Mark McLaughlin
Lizzie Borden took an axe
and gave her mother forty whacks.
When that happy task was done,
she gave her daddy forty-one.
After she had killed those two,
she thought up more fun things to do.
She took a shiny butcher-knife
and stabbed her brother and his wife.
Then she bought a weather vane
and stuck it in her granny’s brain.
Lizzie grabbed a welding torch
and fried her grandpa on the porch.
Soon she found a monkey wrench
and whacked a cousin who spoke French.
Next she seized a rusty drill
and gave her nephew quite a thrill.
At this point, Lizzie made the jump
from rhyme to free verse.
She went on a killing spree
that lasted for seven years,
slicing and dicing and torturing
everyone who was related to her,
even by marriage. She wanted
to uproot her entire family tree,
shred it to bits and toss what was left
on the compost heap of eternity.
Eventually she stole a time machine,
went back to prehistoric days and
shot the smelly, monkey-like creature
that was her earliest humanoid
ancestor. Monkey Borden perished
and wild-eyed Lizzie, grinning like
a murderous Cheshire cat,
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