The Further Adventures
Of Lizzie Borden
by Mark McLaughlin

Lizzie Borden took an axe

and gave her mother forty whacks.

When that happy task was done,

she gave her daddy forty-one.

After she had killed those two,

she thought up more fun things to do.

She took a shiny butcher-knife

and stabbed her brother and his wife.

Then she bought a weather vane

and stuck it in her granny’s brain.

Lizzie grabbed a welding torch

and fried her grandpa on the porch.

Soon she found a monkey wrench

and whacked a cousin who spoke French.

Next she seized a rusty drill

and gave her nephew quite a thrill.

At this point, Lizzie made the jump

from rhyme to free verse.

She went on a killing spree

that lasted for seven years,

slicing and dicing and torturing

everyone who was related to her,

even by marriage. She wanted

to uproot her entire family tree,

shred it to bits and toss what was left

on the compost heap of eternity.

Eventually she stole a time machine,

went back to prehistoric days and

shot the smelly, monkey-like creature

that was her earliest humanoid

ancestor. Monkey Borden perished

and wild-eyed Lizzie, grinning like

a murderous Cheshire cat,

disappeared.

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