Excerpts from HIDEOUS FACES, BEAUTIFUL SKULLS

Hideous Faces, Beautiful Skulls

Above you will see the cover art of my new story collection, HIDEOUS FACES, BEAUTIFUL SKULLS, from Wildside Press. In this collection of thirty stories of horror and the bizarre, you shall enter a boundless realm of dark magic, evil glamour, and strange love. As with most collections of my work, you will encounter monsters aplenty: magic zombies, evil cats, alien lovers, aquatic humanoids, a vicious Egyptian monstrosity, Internet witches, ghouls and others that defy description.

Below you will find excerpts from some of the stories:

—–

An excerpt from “Hungry For Faces”…

Michael walked up to the door and looked inside.

The blue light came from a tinted bulb in a shadeless lamp. Thin copper wires were strung across the room at various levels; every piece of furniture seemed to be caught up in the tangle. The breeze from a fan on high-power made the wires hum. On a brass bed in the center of the room reclined a pale man, bundled in quilts and pillows. His long black hair was thick and coarse, like a horse’s mane. He wore a tattered bathrobe over a gray sweatsuit. Michael decided the pale man was probably twenty-five, just a few years younger than himself.

Michael brushed a hand over the lump in his pants pocket. He had a roll of bills totalling three-hundred dollars, in case the pale man had a price. “I met somebody in a bar – a mechanic. He’d told me you made his wife go away.” It dawned on Michael that the mechanic might have violated a trust. “You can’t really blame him for talking. He’d had a lot to drink and … well, I bought him a few drinks, too. He seemed pretty miserable.”

The pale man shrugged. “No worry. I appreciate references, if discretion is observed. I’m sure Mr. Curtis has selected well. My name is Card.”

“I’m Michael. I guess you don’t really want to know who I am, though, since you told me to cover my face.” He twanged at one of the copper wires. “What’s with the spiderweb?”

“Be careful, will you?” Card nodded as Michael stilled the vibrating wire with a fingertip. “Yes, it is like a spiderweb, isn’t it? Except there’s no pattern. Still, do you see the appeal? Everything connected to everything. Beautiful, like a work of art.”

“Can I get through?”

A brief, worried look crossed Card’s face. “I suppose so.” The pale man watched intently as Michael threaded his way across the room. “Careful there, a wire is snagged on your coat. And your handkerchief is coming loose. Don’t let it fall off. If you should ever show me your face, I would want it to be a conscious choice.”

—–

An excerpt from “The Voice of the Pangyricon”….

Something horrible stepped off the platform.

It was a corpse. A walking corpse with blue skin, streaked with dust and what looked like thick strands of yellowish-green cobwebs. Its eyes were tightly squinted shut. Its face was smeared with blood and strings of fresh meat hung from its broken teeth.

“Attention, Daniel!” I screamed to the Pangyricon’s computer system. “Daniel, help us! Activate security alert!” None of us had any weapons. There had never been any need for them.

“Interesting!” the computer said in its higher voice of excitement. “I’ve completed a brain-scan on this being and though the organ is profoundly altered, I can detect familiar patterns. That is my original body.”

“Don’t just scan that thing!” Remson said as he came out of the chamber. “Activate security alert!”

“Yes! Look what it did to the calf!” Quinn cried.

“I detect animal blood, but no animal,” the computer said. “I cannot activate a security alert based on an external occurrence.”

The creature’s eyes slowly opened, revealing twin milky-white orbs. Apparently it had needed some time to get used to the light. It rushed to the door, which slid open, like all work area doors when somebody stepped up to them. The thing then raced down the hall….

—–

An excerpt from “You Shall Have This Delicacy”…

Mrs. Vultaine had invited six to dinner; invited them with crisp black cards, the message embossed in gold leaf. Each guest had been instructed to bring one companion. Thirteen at table did not fret the hostess: this was a woman who had survived strange diseases, stranger travels, and far too many years of perilous existence. Thirteen? Pshaw. Just another number.

The widow walked tall through the dining room, observing, correcting, at times praising her servants during preparations for the evening. She wore black silk pants and a matching blouse with the shoulders cut out. She knew this was a very young fashion, but no matter. She had a beautiful face, regally angular and as pale as milk; long, silver hair; even, white teeth; and soft, fine-boned hands, anointed with expensive creams. And she still had smooth, lovely shoulders: this the world had a right to know, and she refused to hide them.

A sad-eyed maid with delicate features poured nuts into a crystal dish.

“Just a moment, my dear,” Mrs. Vultaine said, her voice an imperious warble. Her right hand fluttered at eye level, punctuating, emphasizing. “Cashews? Oh, no, no, no. Certainly my guests would not care for cashews.”

“We’re out of morroka seeds,” the maid whispered. “I found these in the servants’ pantry. They’re very good. And they look the same.”

“And you look like a melancholy puppy. Does that mean I feed you scraps and make you do your business outside?” The widow rolled her eyes and sighed. “If you like them so much, take them to your room. And set out praku berries for my guests. I know we have buckets of them somewhere.”

The maid picked up the dish and walked a few paces. Then she stopped and turned around. “Please don’t fire me. I know I’m common. But I can’t help it.”

Mrs. Vultaine stepped forward and placed a cool hand on the girl’s cheek. “Your tastes are common. But you … you, Vexina … are not common.” She ran her fingers lightly over the servant’s coiffure – a pinned bundle of thick auburn hair. “I would never surround myself with common sorts. Now off with you, puppy. There’s work to be done.”

The maid flashed a nervous smile and hurried off.

The widow turned her attention to the table settings. Five forks, five spoons, three knives per plate – and such plates. Plates of glass, gold, silver and polished bone: no two were alike. Green lizard-fat candles. Napkins with a pattern – goats, moths and daggers –matching that of the tapestries on the walls.

She entered the great hall to make sure the display was in order. The curious objet, or perhaps objets, d’art would amuse and surely disconcert her guests. This pile of gleaming metal appeared to be composed of parts from a disassembled golden harpy. A wing and a ribcage topped the pile; around the edges, one could detect a spine, a hip, and some extravagant clockwork organs.

—–

Need ordering information? Here’s the Amazon.com link:

http://www.amazon.com/Hideous-Faces-Beautiful-Skulls-McLaughlin/dp/1479401889/

Thanks! 🙂

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BEST LITTLE WITCH-HOUSE IN ARKHAM

Best-Little-Witch-House-Cover-300-dpi

 

Welcome to the Best Little Witch-House in Arkham. In this midnight den of dread and desire, you will find twenty-five rooms, each with a story of its own to tell. Here you will enjoy a delectable variety of otherworldly nightmares and blasphemies … enough to satisfy even your most eldritch desires.

Here you will find evil pop-stars longing to devour their fans. You will meet a sophisticated secret agent in search of supernatural super-villains. You will learn the vile secrets of Kugappa, the writhing octopus-god, and Ghattambah, a grotesque insect deity whose soul dwells beyond time.

You will smell the unhallowed stench of the Odour out of the Terrible Old Man. You will drink the creamy Milk of Time, an unholy substance which flows through the depths of a forbidden house of horrors known as Der Fleischbrunnen. You will even travel through deep space to a futuristic restaurant for alien connoisseurs, where you will sink your teeth into the monstrous specialty of the house.

You will find all of these horrors, and so much more … in the Best Little Witch-House in Arkham.

To learn more or to order the book, be sure to visit: http://www.amazon.com/Best-Little-Witch-House-Arkham-McLaughlin/dp/143444208X

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A LOVING LOOK BACK at ’70s Horror Movies

Thinking back, it seems to me that horror movies stopped being scary back in the 1970s. Is it the movies, or is it me? I was younger then, so maybe it didn’t take much to scare me. Or maybe the real world was less frightening back then, making cinematic terrors seem more intimidating by comparison.

Back then, nobody worried about terrorism or AIDS or mad-cow disease or flesh-eating bacteria or any of the other dozens of bugaboos plaguing society today. Yesteryear’s shockers didn’t have to compete with planes flying into skyscrapers or anthrax threats or beheadings in the Middle East.

What scared me back then? The hideous, charred face of “The Abominable Dr. Phibes” was pretty darned scary, but the stylish doctor was a sophisticated creampuff compared to the deep-South inbred maniacs of the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” gang. When I first saw that title, I thought it might be some kind of wacky dark comedy, a la “Little Shop of Horrors” – boy, was I wrong!

The grainy film quality, the herky-jerky camera action, all gave a jittery, realistic quality to the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” nightmares up on the screen. And the first time you see old Leatherface, revving up his chainsaw in that ramshackle house of madness – that’s a sight you won’t soon forget.

Not all movies of that era achieved that same degree of realism, but they were still plenty horrific. For example, the plot of “Sssssss” was utterly implausible, but that’s okay – its sheer exuberance carried it through.

Strother Martin played a mad scientist bent on turning humanity into a race of super-intelligent king cobras, for all sorts of goofball reasons. And gee, he’d even invented the formula that would do the trick.

Soon his handsome young assistant’s hair is falling out and his skin begins turning scaly. Now if I was working for a mad scientist who was cuckoo for reptiles and my skin suddenly began growing scales… I’d put two and two together. I’d figure out that little Scooby Doo mystery in no time.

But sadly, the assistant in this slithery potboiler never connects the dots. Before long he’s the poster boy for the world’s most effective slimming program. No arms, no legs, just a lanky serpentine abdomen – that’s about as slender as you’re gonna get.

“The Devil’s Rain,” with it’s ghoulish cult of wax-blooded devil-worshippers, is a great example of the many Satanic horror movies of the Seventies. The Devil was scarier back then! William Shatner’s super-exuberant acting style fit perfectly into this Mephistophelean drive-in shocker.

Even made-for-TV movies were scarier in those days. The old “Kolchak: The Night Stalker” TV movies, and the weekly series that followed, worked my young nerves into a frenzy with their cheesy chills and thrills.

Darren McGavin played a gonzo reporter in a cheap suit who was forever chasing vampires and werewolves and even Jack the Ripper around town in his continuing quest for the ultimate scoop. And he usually ended up vanquishing the monster – but gosh darn it, his camera film wouldn’t develop, or the cops would lose the evidence, or some other exasperating inconvenience would foul the deal, so that Kolchak’s crabby editor would have to axe the story.

They never showed more than a glimpse of the monsters, and that actually made it even scarier. You’d wait and wait for that choice moment when suddenly the creature would pop out of the shadows, ready to flay poor Kolchak to bits. Fortunately, he always did his research, so he’d have the necessary cross or wolfbane or whatever was needed to conquer the boogeyman du jour.

But I will admit, in recent years, I’ve seen a few movies that conveyed the same macabre mood as those ’70s favorites of mine, so I guess it is still possible for me to be captivated by cinema horror. They aren’t super-new releases, but you can find them in most stores that sell DVDs.

“Jeepers Creepers” and “Jeepers Creepers 2” tell the tale of a hideous creature that wakes every 23 years to feast for 23 days. If the Creeper needs to replace a hand or leg or other segment of his body, he’ll just eat that bit off a tasty victim and presto! New replacement part. That’s a pretty gonzo idea for a monster. “Cabin in the Woods” and “Dead Silence” are other, more recent movies that also hit the bull’s-eye with plenty of exhilarating weirdness.

Weirdness — that’s what a lot of movies since the ’70s have been missing. Many of today’s movies seem to be retreads of earlier, better movies.

Plus, ’70s horror movies had a lot more energy. The critters leaped into the horror arena with savage gusto. A lot of today’s monsters either hover in the shadows or straggle across the screen like damp tomcats that have been left out in the rain all night.

So if you’re looking for a creepy chiller and the new releases aren’t cuttin’ it for you, try hunting down some vintage ’70s classics. You have nothing to lose – except your SANITY! Bwaaah-haaa-haaaa-haaaaaaah!

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THE BOUNDARIES OF HORROR

Some people say, horror can ONLY happen in a mold-streaked castle or a moonlit forest.

Some people say, horror should NOT feature comedic elements.

Some people say, zombies MUST follow the rules of certain specific popular movies.

To all that, I say: Sorry, but no, no, and no.

Horror can happen on the beach, in a nightclub or at the mall.

Horror can be a gibbering fool, a prancing clown, a shambling day-glo monstrosity.

And a zombie can be whatever its creator wants it to be … fast or slow, smart or stupid, mute or chatting like a talk-show host.

Whenever people try to impose boundaries on the horror genre, I can only ask: Why? Horror is all about surprises. When you start imposing boundaries, you kill the surprises.

My story collection BEACH BLANKET ZOMBIE features bizarre settings, weird comedy, and the most unconventional zombies you could ever hope to meet (on a page, that is … not in person). I compiled these specific stories to show what horror can be, if given the chance. Follow this link to check out the e-book on Amazon.com (it’s also available as a trade paperback): http://www.amazon.com/Beach-Blanket-Zombie-Humanoid-ebook/dp/B0091X6XTO

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These Movies Don’t Exist – BUT THEY SHOULD!!!

Grover Cleveland Gorgon Decapitator

Grover Cleveland: Gorgon Decapitator

Calvin Coolidge Vs The Radioactive Vampire Zombies

Calvin Coolidge Vs. The Radioactive Vampire Zombies

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Excellent Horror Authors, Often Overlooked

Want to check out some great horror authors who are often overlooked these days? Check out some of these fine folks:

Basil Copper, http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/38689.Basil_Copper
Born in 1924, Basil Copper is a master of sophisticated weird horror tales. His best collections include From Evil’s Pillow; And Afterward, The Dark; and Here Be Daemons.

Robert Aickman, http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/36998.Robert_Aickman
British author Robert Aickman wrote subtle, surreal supernatural stories with a sublime degree of creepiness. His best collections include Painted Devils, Cold Hand in Mine, and The Wine-Dark Sea.

Oliver Onions, http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/290215.Oliver_Onions
Not only are the ghost stories of Oliver Onions entertaining, but they also feature strong characterization, a polished writing style, and well-developed plots. His best collection is The Collected Ghost Stories of Oliver Onions.

Bram Stoker, http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6988.Bram_Stoker
While most people know him as the author of Dracula, most do not realize that he was also the author of many excellent horror stories. You’ll find the best of his short fiction in Dracula’s Guest and Other Weird Tales.

Hugh B. Cave, http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8637.Hugh_B_Cave
Hugh B. Cave was an incredibly prolific writer who was published in many of the big magazines of the Pulp Era. He was also a popular novelist. His best story collection is Murgunstrumm & Others.

J. Sheridan Le Fanu, http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/26930.Joseph_Sheridan_Le_Fanu
J. Sheridan Le Fanu was an acclaimed Irish writer of mystery novels and ghost stories. His best books include Carmilla, Uncle Silas, and Green Tea and Other Ghost Stories.

In the near future, I’ll have some more author suggestions for you, so stay tuned!

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A New Year’s Message of Encouragement from a Horror Writer

I want to wish you all a Happy New Year! Your support of my writing in 2012 has been wonderful. I grew up in a grim, rural household where I was discouraged from writing, so your encouragement has meant everything to me. I really do appreciate it.

I’d like to start the New Year with a message of encouragement. You may be saying: “A message of encouragement — from a horror writer?” Yep! I may write about horrors, but that doesn’t make me a horrible person! I have lots of friends, like to have fun … I don’t wander around in a moss-draped ancient castle all day.

Here’s that message of encouragement: Friends, be sure you have a plan in life (I’m sure most of you do!). Remember this: If you don’t have a plan, someone else will just inflict THEIR plan on YOU. When I was young, my folks did everything possible to try to keep me on the farm, but that wasn’t going to happen. I wanted to be in advertising and also write scary stories, and that’s what I’ve been doing ever since I left the nest, so many years ago.

Basically, if I can live my dreams — so can you. So go out there and achieve the goals near and dear to you in 2013! 🙂

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The Further Adventures of Lizzie Borden

The Further Adventures
Of Lizzie Borden
by Mark McLaughlin

Lizzie Borden took an axe

and gave her mother forty whacks.

When that happy task was done,

she gave her daddy forty-one.

After she had killed those two,

she thought up more fun things to do.

She took a shiny butcher-knife

and stabbed her brother and his wife.

Then she bought a weather vane

and stuck it in her granny’s brain.

Lizzie grabbed a welding torch

and fried her grandpa on the porch.

Soon she found a monkey wrench

and whacked a cousin who spoke French.

Next she seized a rusty drill

and gave her nephew quite a thrill.

At this point, Lizzie made the jump

from rhyme to free verse.

She went on a killing spree

that lasted for seven years,

slicing and dicing and torturing

everyone who was related to her,

even by marriage. She wanted

to uproot her entire family tree,

shred it to bits and toss what was left

on the compost heap of eternity.

Eventually she stole a time machine,

went back to prehistoric days and

shot the smelly, monkey-like creature

that was her earliest humanoid

ancestor. Monkey Borden perished

and wild-eyed Lizzie, grinning like

a murderous Cheshire cat,

disappeared.

— # —

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Flash Fiction: Connect the Dots

A 4th of July bonus: here’s another short-short story for your amusement!

Connect The Dots

by Mark McLaughlin

Tell you about myself?

Well, I like to think of myself as a proactive, multi-tasking team member who can think outside the box, connect the dots and see the big picture.

Of course, in telling you that, I am defining myself, and when one defines oneself, one must – by definition! – limit oneself. Yes, I am limiting my definition of myself to what I am telling you. But really, I would prefer to see myself as a person without limits. I don’t even want to limit myself to being a person.

I am an entity. A proactive, multi-tasking, team-playing entity without limits, thinking outside of the people-box as I connect dots and see big pictures. And because I like to see myself as an entity without limits, that would allow me – by definition! – to see in every direction at once, inward and outward, from the tiniest point at the center of my being all the way out into the farthest, blackest reaches of the cosmos.

So basically, my entire consciousness envelops all of time and space, all of existence, so that by definition, that would make me the known universe, multi-tasking and team-playing proactively outside of all imaginable boxes, connecting the eternal stars known and unknown, visible and invisible, from super-novas to black holes, linking all those majestic dots and gazing deeply into the grand abyss – the vast, ultimate picture of all that has ever been and ever will be, forever and ever more.

Bow down! Scream my name from the terrified depths of your miserable soul! How dearly I long to crush you, for that is what one does to an insect. That, by definition, is what you are in relation to me. A mere insect! The sort of creature one grinds underfoot into paste without giving the action even a split-second of thought or regret! Tremble, tiny, vile cockroach that you are! Tremble before my all-powerful might!

As you can see, I am fully qualified for the position of third-shift environmental services technician. I’ll even bring my own broom.

So when do I start?

– End –

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Extreme Make-Over, Hollywood-Style!

Recently, I found a copy of a celebrity gossip magazine I’d never seen before. This glossy rag fawned so dotingly, so gushingly over the stars, it made The National Enquirer look like The Wall Street Journal.

Let’s take a look at the issues covered in a single issue of this magazine, which I will call The Weekly Ass-Smoocher:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are facing yet another challenge in their Hollywood marriage! Plus, Jennifer Anniston might not be 100 percent over Brad Pitt yet!

Lindsay Lohan has changed her look! Tori Spelling has lost too much weight! One of the Olsen twins is also dangerously thin!

Kirstie Alley is keeping the pounds off … but for how long?!

REALLY, WHO GIVES A CRICKET’S CRAP ABOUT ANY OF THAT?

Brad and Angelina are just an acting couple … and let’s face it, they’re no Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. I used to act with more sincerity back in grade school, when I would fake stomach flu to get out of taking a test.

And Jennifer Anniston – I’m not even sure what she does in front of cameras can be called acting. It looks more like wandering around with a vague smile (happy!) or a constipated look (not happy!) on her face. Actresses like her convey anger by shaking their heads and saying, “Grrrrr!!!” That might work in a grade-school production of “The Wizard of Oz,” playing the Cowardly Lion, but it’s not exactly what I’d call Oscar bait.

As for Lindsay Lohan, Tori Spelling, the Olsen twins … Sure, they’ve all done some acting over the years, but I suppose Meryl Streep ain’t losing any sleep over them.

I seem to recall, one Olsen twin has a healthy weight while folks wonder if the other is puking up yards of intestines, but to me, they both look like praying mantises in blonde wigs. What wonderful role models for teen girls everywhere. If you want to be really popular, just stick your weensy, twig-like finger down your throat and blort up everything you’ve ever eaten. But make sure you have lots of blonde hair and a rack, or else the boys won’t think you’re sexy.

I do like Kirstie Alley. I think she’s very funny and I like her cute, off-to-one-side smile. But the weight-loss updates just get tedious after a while. One minute, she loses five pounds. Hurray! Cheers for Kirstie! She’s a full five pounds lighter! Then she weighs herself again to be sure… What the–? Now she’s ten pounds heavier! Oh NO! It’s the great American tragedy!

Do you wish you could be as rich and as popular as any of those folks? If so, you need an Extreme Make-Over, Hollywood-Style!

Here’s what you do:

First, have a plastic surgeon inject your lips with foam rubber or toxic waste or liquefied baby seals — whatever Hollywood hotties are using these days.

Then have that same beauty professional inject Botox into your forehead and your crow’s feet until you are incapable of registering even the tiniest human emotion from the cheekbones up.

Then have a dental specialist slap snow-white veneers on your teeth so your ultra-shiny, gleaming smile can be used to project a laser beam at James Bond’s crotch, a la Goldfinger.

Now, have a high-profile relationship with someone just as perfect and artificial as you. Remember, don’t develop any talent in your travels, and make sure you marry someone equally inept.

Have a big, crazy wedding with helicopters flying overhead and supermodels giving blowjobs to rock stars in the back row of the church. Or football stadium, wherever you decide to hold this memorable, cherished event.

After you’re married to your fellow airhead, cheat on them while they’re cheating on you, and make sure reporters catch all the juicy, sleazy details.

So far, so good. Now: develop an eating disorder! The majority of Americans have terrible eating habits, so they’ll be able to identify with you and share your pain. Let the reporters know if your weight changes by even half an ounce. Did you just break wind with more enthusiasm than usual? That counts as weight loss, so alert the media! Balloon up to three-hundred pounds! Shrivel down to seventy-five pounds! And keep notes, you’ll want to write a book about it someday.

While you’re at it, you might as well develop a few substance-abuse problems. Drink like a fish, pop more pills than Elvis, and then grind up a few pills, mix them with Columbian happy-dust and snort the whole mess up your nose. Then show up at swanky red-carpet premieres, bleeding from every orifice. Classy!

How will you be able to pay for all these extravagances? Record a few songs, star in a few reality shows, make a few commercials for fast-food or make-up or something else Americans don’t really need. Amp up the glamour for heart-clotting aerosol cheese. Walk the whole concept of canned ravioli down the catwalk, girlfriend!

Hell, why limit yourself to just being human? Have a team of scientists turn you into an eight-foot cyborg with metal claws for hands and army-tank treads for feet. Now THAT’S hot!

So there you have it: your new Hollywood-Style Extreme Makeover. Don’t just sit there being a worthwhile person who no one has ever heard of. Go out there and be a witless no-talent who everybody absolutely adores!

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